Little Girl Dreams

When I was a little girl
I wanted to live in a tree house.
This made perfect sense to me
because I thought everyone should be able to sleep
under a blanket of stars.

I had an oyster waterbed,
filled with jello,
soft sheets of pink satin
and a pearl pillow in which to help me dream.

In my mind I would someday be a writer
or an artist
or maybe an artist that loved to write.

I would pretend that I was a mermaid
and that the swimming pool was my own private ocean,
where I swam with wild dolphins
amongst the beautiful jewel colored sea things.

Oh and I could fly
because of course I had wings.

I practiced speeches
made from podiums of dreams,
spreading hope
and telling people that they could be
anything that they wanted to be.

And one day I picked up a camera,
first with a flash cube,
and then one where the pictures developed instantly.

By the time I was in middle school
I was the girl that took every art and writing class offered.
I was the only girl in woodshop
and joined the school paper
because I could write
and learn to develop pictures
in a real darkroom.

I used sheets for backdrops
and lamps for lighting
and I posed the pretty girls
and told them to smile for me.

I dreamt of taking my camera
to far away places
and capturing things
that few other people would ever see.
In those dreams I sold my pictures to magazines
and gypsyed around
free to just be.

And one day I wasn’t so little anymore
and I seemed to have outgrown all of my childish dreams.
I think that when I was told that I was too controversial
and that my art wasn’t good enough I also realized
that I wasn’t a mermaid
and that I didn’t have wings.

I no longer wanted to live in a tree house,
nor did I have any desire to sleep beneath the stars.
I needed to grow up
and realize
that writing and creating were things that we do in our spare time,
only once you are grown and have to be responsible
you realize that you no longer have any time for such ridiculous things.

That is the last time that I remember allowing myself to dream.
I needed to finish school and pick either a profession or a vocation,
so I picked one of each.
Somehow I grew up and forgot who it was that I wanted to be.

I hid my writing in notebooks
and my art up on shelves,
pictures were only for moments you hoped to remember
and hopes were things you’d just as soon forget.

I worked really hard
and sacrificed who I was
for who everyone convinced me
that I should want to be.

I had the title
and the corner office,
made big decisions
at important meetings
and earned the respect that some dreamt of
only I was living
someone else’s dream.

Then something happened,
I no longer recognized the girl
who when I looked in the mirror
always looked back at me.

I picked back up a pen and a paintbrush
and got a camera back into my hands;
once I started to express the things that I had allowed to be silenced
I realized that getting everything you thought you ever wanted
only mattered
if the things you sought out for list was complete.

Then I judged myself
by other’s merits,
but I was never as good
if you asked me.

I never let my light shine,
and as a result it dimmed,
and now standing before you is a sad girl
with pockets full of broken dreams.

Only through being broken so badly
were old wounds uncovered
and along with them
were memories of who
I used to want to be.

Once I put back together the pieces,
of my fragment longings
did I again want to live in a tree house
so I could sleep beneath a blanket of stars,
and by daylight swim with the dolphins,
while under glow of the moonlight,
fly on once broken wings.

Declan

*18 weeks gestation

Declan is the newest and tiniest member of my girlfriend Kacy's family and the little man needs all of our prayers. Her cousin Kerri and Kerri's husband Sean were ecstatic when they announced that they were expecting. They were due in April but unfortunately the week of Christmas Kerri went into the hospital due to hemorrhaging. A few days later, on December 27th, they were forced to perform a c-section and little Declan was born. He weighed just 1 pound, 15 ounces and was 13 inches long. Yes, you read that right, he actually fits in the palm of your hand. For me he is a reminder that although we are all facing our own problems, we are so incredibly blessed. Maybe you struggled to get out of bed or sit through a meeting this morning but Declan is struggling for each and every breath. Please whisper a prayer for the little fella, he's fighting really hard and we sure could use a miracle.

Dearest 2008

Dearest 2008,

If you had tried to tell me a year ago how significant you were going to be to me personally, I never would have believed you. I wouldn't have doubted that I was going to be busy and I would have known that I was going to laugh a lot but I had no idea that from one ringing in of the New Year to the next I would be so different.

I came up with a list of things that I can look back on and think to myself "that is how I will remember 2008" and they are as intricate a part of the tapestry as the changes within me so they beg to be acknowledged. I could write about all of the magic and mayhem that I shared with Victoria but I have dedicated much of my writing to that so I will stick mainly to my other relationships. Chronology seems to make the most sense so I'll start with where it all began, New Years Eve. Quite simply I had some of my best girls by my side. We laughed in the New Year with Tuaca lemon drops and cookies, I knew that the company I was in was going to be very significant and it was. What was equally significant was who wasn't with me, sometimes absence is quite defining.

Another significant memory was a dinner in my honor; I was surrounded by my closest friends but what mattered most out of that whole deal wasn't the “what” but rather the “why”. Sometimes when someone really loves you, they will do just about anything to make you smile. (This was also evident when the one person that validates me like no one else can gave my daughter a memory for her birthday rather than a gift.)

At the end of April I got the chance to shoot my first wedding. It was in Oklahoma, with the perfect couple in the perfect setting and I was shooting with the perfect partner. There was a moment when I felt more like myself than I had in years, it was surreal and stirred something in me that had for a long time been dormant.

The summer months were spent distancing myself from just about everyone, rebuilding walls that I had allowed to start coming down. It was in losing everyone that I found myself and a stillness and quiet that I had no idea how much I missed. I honored my longing for solitude and began saying no to everything that I absolutely did not want to do, someone that is very important to me said that what's on our calendar is what's important to us and in evaluating my busyness I realized that I was the only thing that wasn't important to me.

I got my heart completely broken by someone utterly insignificant but through that experience I realized that I had given a lot of my power away. I discovered resentment so dark and so deep that when I focused on it I found it hard to breathe. That and the other heartbreak that I sustained this year were enough to make me hold everyone at a distance just to see who cared enough to notice.

As summer drew to a close I got word that I was losing my job, twelve years of giving so much of myself came down to a moment when I was completely and totally devalued and it was a blow that I have yet to recover from. I am fragile in a way that I have never been before and in my darkest hour it was reaffirmed who was really there for me. It was a painful year but I know that it is only through the struggle that one ever becomes strong enough to fly. When it was finally dark enough, I was able to see the stars. That is as literal as it is metaphorical but some things are best if preserved not in words but held as memories.

There were plays with my mom, flubber, ketchup and light saber wars, long trips and long talks, meeting someone that makes me swoon and lots of football. (Or more specifically, lots of cheerleading.) I reconnected with a long lost friend and we caught up on 15 lost years; we laughed, we cried and we promised that we will never lose touch again. November and December borough with it struggling to measure my worth not by a title but by contents of my soul. I have gone even deeper inward and at times fear I will go so far inside of myself that there is no returning but I am more free and more content than I have ever been.

2008, you kicked my ass and you brought me to my knees. You tore me apart and forced me to face every one of my insecurities. You seduced me with promises you never intended to keep and then ridiculed me when I believed you. But it was through you that I learned lessons that others were not cruel enough to teach.

See the thing is, I am battered and broken but I have also seen the depths of my own strength. You weren't the hardest year that I have ever faced but you were the most relentless in delivering blows and coming back at me when I hadn't yet had the chance to get back up again. I'll admit that I needed the wake up call though, I had wandered so far from my true self that I hastened to recognize my own reflection in the mirror anymore. I was allowing and accepting of things and people that weren't good for me. I sacrificed myself for those that I loved, truly believing that the sacrifice of self was the price of love but it wasn't until you came along that I came to realize the my lesson from 2007 of never giving more than others meant that I was going to have to follow up that knowledge with some soul searching to see exactly who was taking advantage of me. I didn't want to look that deeply into some of my relationships, I see now that was out of fear of what I would find.

What I found was that few of my relationships, once evaluated, were left unscathed. Those that promised they were true were the least authentic; those that never promised me anything were the ones that always came through. Most proved to be heavily one-sided and the imbalance there left me longing for balance in all areas of my life. The few people that proclaimed to know me knew only what they wanted me to be and not at all who I really am. I will admit that I have changed, but I also know that how I am is what has changed and not who I am.

So 2008, you brought me more joy and greater fear than I ever could have imagined. You also filled me with a peace and contentment that I seemed to have misplaced for some time. Yes, of course I got my heart broken but I also found healing at the hands of a few people that I truly and deeply love. I gained and grew so much and it is with very mixed feelings that I say goodbye to you. I know its best and I will miss you but we have to part ways and I'm truly ok with that. Don't worry, 2009 will take good care of me. We will look back on you often and fondly, you will always have a special place in my heart.

All my love and gratitude,
Melissa

Thankful

I am thankful for:

Warm toes and full bellies
The laughter that fills my house and heart
Lil’ text messages reminding me that I am loved
The little girl that is turning out to be a much better version of me
The boy that believes I’m perfect
The fact that I can honestly count my momma amongst my best friends
(and that she still makes the dressing)
A best friend to share my secrets, my fears and my password with
My tribe of poets, pirates, hippies & gypsies
A rekindled relationship where 15 lost years don’t matter
Two very special girls that are far more beautiful and special and amazing than they will ever know
An ipod full of music that makes me happy
Letting go
Sweet tea
That we have insurance but don’t need it
Piles of books and puzzles
An imaginarium to play and create in
The colors of fall
Synchronicity and butterflies
You

Lessons from the Labyrinth

Last April I collected some stones, I filled my pockets just like I have filled my heart. The plan was to paint each one of them with a description of one of those things that I have held on to for too long; hurts, regrets and truths that I wanted to release. Once I finished I planned to carry them with me for 31 days, one day for each of my 31 years. On that 32nd day I was going to take them to the river and cast them away for good. I meditated on how I would feel once I let go and then I held on to them like cherished possessions for 7 months. I put them on a shelf but I wasn’t ready to cast my burden stones.

I had 14 stones, each one representing something deeply personal to me. I had a desire and a plan but when it came down to it I just wouldn’t let myself follow through. As I discovered, part of my journey was understanding why each of those things had come in to my life to begin with.

Recently I have been drawn to labyrinths; I had never given them much though before but as I have worked on deepening my meditative practices, synchronisticaly they keep showing up in various ways in my life. I decided to look more in to them and understand their deeper purpose and origins, once I discovered how they are used in prayer and meditation I started researching all of the ones in my general area to decide which one I wanted to walk first.

During my research I found one that offered the following description.

“This is a spiritual labyrinth. The intent is for people to simulate a spiritual journey, complete with burdens that can be lifted upon completion. Stones are provided to simulate the burden, and an area in the center serves as a dropoff point. A stone already in the center should be hauled out, simulating helping others with their burden.”

I already had my stones and as soon as I read that I knew instantly that this is where I wanted to cast them. Yesterday right before dusk, when the sunlight is golden and warm, I went to the labyrinth. As you walk up to it there is a marker, it takes the description above a bit further and says the following.

“You are entering holy ground. Prepare your heart as you approach the entrance. The labyrinth represents our spiritual journey. Pick up a stone that will represent the burden you are taking to Christ. As you enter from the world, you begin your path towards the center, Christ. You cannot get lost on the labyrinth. You always move forward. As you approach the center, you approach the presence of Christ. Feel free to pause, to kneel, to reflect on your journey. Leave your stone in the center. When you are ready, pick up another stone, representing the burdens we carry for those who have come before us to the labyrinth. Turn and retrace your steps back through the labyrinth. As you leave the labyrinth, leave your stone - burdens behind. You are ready to enter the world with the presence of Christ with you.”

Before I entered, I took a moment to say a prayer. I asked that as I traveled inward I feel peace and that I be shown a sign about my journey. (My journey being where I am in my life right now and not just the ceremonial representation that I was about to embark on.) I asked for clarity and for a sign, expressing that once I arrived at the center I hoped to be given a message to make me stronger. (I never ask that my journey be less difficult, only that I am given the strength I need to complete it.) I stated my intention, to carry these burdens with me to the center and then to be able to leave them there for good, and I ventured in.

True labyrinths are unicursal; there is one way in and one way out. Unlike a maze there are no blind spots or barriers. There is a single path leads to a center space for quiet reflection. Sometimes I use mantra for meditation and centering. As I, with my pocket full of stones once again began my walk, I repeated the following.

Inhale self-acceptance, exhale self-judgment.
Inhale tenderness, exhale harshness.
Inhale love, exhale anger.
Inhale forgiveness, exhale hurt.

Although I am constantly working on my patience, it is something that I struggle with. As I was walking this path I found myself wanting to just get to the center, the message that I kept hearing is that “this is part of the journey.”

Then I realized that whereas I thought that I was traveling inward, this path had led me back to the outer edges and by my way of thinking I must have done something wrong because I was obviously not making progress. “Trust in Me” were the words that I heard. I had asked for messages and I was getting them so I felt like I ought to listen, it was then that I realized that this was symbolic of how I try to do things much of the time, I question that I am where I am supposed to be, wondering if by taking the road less traveled so much of the time I am actually taking myself in a direction opposite to where I think I am supposed to be going.

For a moment the thought crossed my mind that the path is outlined by these 6 inch tall stone barriers, there wasn’t anything preventing me from stepping right over them to hurry things up a bit if you will. I had committed to doing this though and I was trusting that in carrying on I would end up exactly where I was supposed to. Then it occurred to me that I can’t always see where the path ahead of me leads and that even when I can I don’t always understand how it is going to get me where I am going but true faith is not knowing and going anyway. I could have stepped over one of those markers on my path in an effort to take the easy route and get where I was going quicker but in doing so I also could have altered my path and put myself further back than I already had already come. These lessons apply to every part of my life; I knew that these were my messages. I had asked for them and dutifully they had come. I don’t know where I’m going right now, I have no idea how THIS path could possibly put me where I want to be but I have faith that if I follow it, it will. This IS all part of the journey and it is much easier to stay on the path when I carry that thought with me always. This wasn’t at all what I had thought that I had come for but I could have left then and I still would have received more than I had even hoped for.

When I finally reached the center one by one I took out my stones. I looked at what I had painted on each one of them and made a point to say a few parting words for each thing that I was leaving behind. I thanked each one for trying to protect me or for the lessons it brought me and then I simply stated that I didn’t need it anymore and as all things are energy I was returning it to the earth to be purified and recycled once again. Some were harder to see the positive purpose in but as I spoke the lessons came to me in flashes, reminders that they did serve a purpose even though they don’t anymore. When I was done I picked up one stone that had been there when I arrived and I carried it out with me. As I stepped back into the twists and turns, the church bells began to ring. I have always loved the sound that they make and it was fitting that my sign be something that brings me so much joy. Once I was about halfway out, beams from the setting sun were shining directly down on the pile of discarded rocks. I said one final prayer that the sun would illuminate each one until it had no more power and then I finished my walk by expressing gratitude that I never walk alone.

Image found on Flickr

5 Things

5 REALLY good things:

1) I am in pajama pants and an old comfy t-shirt. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY!
2) The sound of birds, leaves rustling and the wind. Sunshine and a pretty tree outside of my window. There are candles burning and the before mentioned window is open, it smells amazing!
3) After a very emotionally draining day my 4 ½ year old fell asleep on the way home from school and didn’t wake up until we pried her out of bed this morning. I curled up next to her around 8 and got 9 hours of sleep for the first time in well over 5 years.
4) Being there, really THERE, for two people that are very important parts of my puzzle.
5) Writing an “I intend” statement that makes me feel all giddy and hopeful inside.
I intend to be prosperous in both health and finances and I intend that this be extended to my tribe. I intend to live and work where I feel fulfilled and at deep peace, embracing my authenticity, continuing my spiritual growth, developing my talents, growing my confidence and realizing my dreams. I intend to be close to home, fully present and available for my daughter, surrounded by like-minded individuals and with realization of creative fulfillment & financial freedom. I intend to receive all of these things gracefully and with my heart and arms wide open.


Image courtesy of: Dawn Indico

Winds of Change

I am battling some old ghosts and current demons right now, it is all job related and I know it will pass but for today I can't see that far ahead. It started with a comment that was very much made in passing so it should have held very little weight but the reality of the situation is that I have allowed it to completely weigh me down. I took it and have given my power away. Sometimes all of the logic in the world is there but I know that I am guilty of irreverently shoving it aside like an out-of-season article of clothing and focusing on things that exist only in my mind.

I don't want to focus on the ‘what’ that much; I refuse to give these thoughts any more of me, but I'll give you the condensed version just so you know what I am talking about. When our COO, my boss, told me that they were letting me go, he said that they couldn't afford to keep someone in the budget that only had one job responsibility. Yes, yes, yes, I have 3 functional areas of the business that I am responsible for; Compensation, Inside Sales & Marketing, and there were 37 completely independent responsibilities that I have had to transition but his words are so much louder in my head than the reality. He said one thing but what I heard and what continues to echo through my mind is that I am of little worth.

That thought is really hard for me. In the past positions were created with me in mind because it was believed that I had so much to offer. I was moved around and constantly taking something over to fix a broken process or create one if a need existed that was not currently being fulfilled. I did whatever was needed of me which meant that in 13 years I have had as many titles. I know that I have to consider the source, in this particular instance it was the person I have reported to for 2 ½ years who still has absolutely no idea what I do. To further illustrate that, in March of this year he asked me if I had goals LAST year, a fact that someone you are reporting to should know without asking after the fact in my opinion. Still, self-doubt sneaks in like a thief in the night and steals pieces of my inner peace. Fears about the time of year and the economy rear their dastardly little heads and sometimes I am so busy tending to all of the details of my life that I fail to notice that they are once again making their mocking appearance.

When I am in need of words they usually come to me in the form of lyrics from a song or a quote that manages to cross my path and leaves itself quietly at my feet. Today is no exception.

You are not beholden to someone else's opinion of you. - Toni Morrison

The most powerful part of this is the adjective, beholden. By definition it means obligated, indebted, bound or liable. I remind girlfriends that they can not dim their light just so that others may shine. I point out that we can be changed because of our circumstances but we should not allow ourselves to become reduced by them. I now have 7 days left here. This is the end of a very long chapter in my life. One that included the most significant details of my time on this planet and that brought me the absolute most amazing people to walk beside me on this journey. My work here is done; I have nothing left to offer and nothing I can gain. The two things I walk away with are pride because my integrity was never compromised in spite of circumstance and knowing that they didn’t change me.

I am a fragment of a mirror whose whole design and shape I do not understand. Nevertheless, with what I am, I can reflect light into the black places of this world - into the dark places in the hearts of men - and maybe help change some things in some people. Perhaps others may see and do likewise. This is what I am... this is the meaning of my life. -Alexander Papaderos